So, today the most amazing thought struck me. I hadn't given it much thought, but when I did, I was amazed at how wonderful God is. I thought back a year ago. A year ago at this time I was just ending high school and preparing for the big journey ahead: college and life on my own. Going into my first year of college I was extremely nervous about a lot of things--living in a big city, a bigger school, meeting new people, sharing a room, living with so many girls, being on my own. I worried about all of that stuff, even just a little, even though I was very excited. Also, at that time I was really unsure of who I was. I was, dramatically speaking, having an identity crisis. You see, I had always grown up in what you would call a Christian family. I had been going to the same church since I was 3 and was basically adopted into that family. So, basically growing up in church, I was a good girl, and everyone knew me and had known me for pretty much my whole life. Sure, I always loved God, and I never exactly strayed away, but something just wasn't right. I had been stuck in this identity that had been given to me. Maybe it was my identity to begin with, but after a while, it was what everyone expected of me. I was identified through my family and through my church, but who was I without those things? As I began to realize that I would have to leave both of those things behind: my family and my church, I realized that my faith had never really been mine. It had been what I was told. I believed what I thought I was supposed to believe to fit the frame of my perfect little Ashley cutout that everyone knew. But if I had the choice, what would I believe? Who would I be? All these thoughts swarmed my mind for days, weeks, months. I decided that I needed to find my true identity. An identity that was based off of my very own faith. I wanted an identity that was new, better, different. I wanted an identity in CHRIST. That's all I wanted. I wanted to find out who God wanted me to be...what God wanted me to believe. So, that became my goal for my first year of college.
Probably the biggest thing that God hit me with was leadership. I had never really seen myself as the leader type. I'm not always super outgoing. I'm a bit of an introvert, and I don't hold a lot of authority--I don't really ask for it or want it. But one of the first things God told me was that I was, in fact, a leader. Maybe not with my own strength, but because I am a Christian, I am called to lead others. Lead others to Him. Lead others to grow and mature. It was something God wanted of me simply because I had something that I should share. I began to find ways to lead in even the smallest ways, such as answering questions in class that nobody wanted to, volunteering to pray or speak in class without waiting for someone else to, initiating actions, etc. These small things began adding up, and I grew more and more into a leader. I began to find other ways to lead in my classes and on my floor. They were just simple things that most people probably wouldn't have noticed, but they changed my life for the better.
Then, God called me to do something bigger. He wanted me to apply to be a Discipleship Leader (DL) for next year. It was something that I had thought at the very beginning of the year that I might sometime want to do, but probably not. You know, one of those kinds of things. So, when God laid that on my heart, I of course came up with every reason why I absolutely could not do that. I really wasn't that much of a leader. Sure, I had been working on my leadership skills, but nothing that big. I still had a lot of things in my life that weren't good enough. How could I help people if I couldn't always help myself? Oh, I thought of everything. But God put this challenge out on the line: "Ashley, do you really want to go through your entire experience at North Central without making a difference? Do you really just want to go in and go out without affecting anyone? Do you want to be the same person you were coming in as you were coming out?" I had never thought of it that way before. Was there something I needed to do not only for myself, but for others while I'm here? I really did want to make a difference. I didn't want to leave North Central the same as when I came; I wanted to leave it better. How could I do that?
I decided to apply for the DL position. My confidence level was pretty low about it at first, but then I thought, if it really is what God wants, which I strongly feel it is, then it will work out exactly how it should. With this mindset, I couldn't even worry about it. I had such a peace about it, knowing that whether I got the position or not, I had obeyed God in at least applying, because maybe that's all He wanted for now--my willingness.
Fast forward to this year. Right now. It is the summer after my first year of college. I am spending consistent time in God's word every day. My prayer life has exploded, and I am spending a lot of time praying about, thinking about, and anxiously awaiting my time as a DL this fall. I am preparing to be a leader, which includes a lot of focus on others, yet a lot of focus on myself. Now, I am working on things that I need to mature in in my spiritual life, not only for my sake, but for the sake of leading others in the same ways. I am so very excited for what God is going to do in me and through me this summer and in the school year to come. God has asked me to lead, and even if I may not be a natural leader, God has not called me to do something that I am not able to do, with His help of course! I see a lot of my friends who are graduating this year who are maybe anxious or nervous for their plans after high school. I see a lot of people going through exactly the same things I did a year ago. It makes me so happy to see where I have come from in only a short year, and I am so excited for how else God will allow me to grow in the next three years of my time in college.
